If you have just received the news that you and your partner are suffering from unexplained infertility, the shock may be so great that you might feel as if you have just been punched. Or you could be numb – trying to take it all in. You’ve been trying for so long and going to see a specialist was the light at the end of the tunnel. They would find out what was wrong and fix it for you. At last you’d both allowed yourselves a glimmer of hope that you were getting nearer to your dream of starting a family.
Many people have heard of couples with a problem with “her” or a problem with “him”. Her eggs aren’t right, his sperm aren’t right…and so it goes on. But you don’t often hear people say “They don’t know what is wrong”.
For a specialist to admit to you that they don’t know what is stopping your from having a baby is absolutely devastating. If they don’t know – what on earth are you supposed to do now? Couples have reported feeling as if they’re on a sinking ship and the last lifeboat has just left without them.
There have been so many medical advances – how can they not know? It defies belief.
Anxiety levels go up
Because no one can give you a reason, you become more anxious than you were before. There are moments when you wish you’d been told that you just couldn’t have a child because then you could grieve and move forward with your lives. This frustrating, disappointing, crushing blow leaves you in a no man’s land where you just don’t know what to do next. You don’t even have any power in the situation and so you may start to feel helpless.
It’s little wonder that anxiety and depression are the most common emotions experienced by people who have just been given the diagnosis of unexplained infertility. Those two emotions bring a great risk of developing depression – which is all you need right now.
Your anxiety increases because no one can identify the cause. Even if the result of those interminable, painful, intrusive tests had been that you or your partner could not have a biological child, at least then you could grieve and move on.
You may crave support, warmth and understanding from your family and friends but they may appear to not know what to say to help. Why should they? You don’t know what to do either. Instead of a safe haven of understanding you may feel awkward and stressed around them as if you have to apologise for upsetting them.
Now comes the part that may help to get your back on your feet again. A study found that three years afer unsuccessful attempts at IVF, couples with unexplained infertility were suffering from unresolved grief. They had just pushed it down and hoped it would go away.
Not surprisingly, the study recommended that couples should get counseling to help with their feelings. There are counselors who specialize in helping infertile couples and you can bet that they have come across how you are feeling and will be able to pull that last lifeboat back and sit you safely in it.